Kaiya

Today is the one year anniversary of Kaiya's passing. I can't believe that one year ago today Chris and I went through the most devastating experience of our lives and here we are now about to welcome a new life into this world. I still think about her every single day and miss her as much today as I did back then. I wish so much that she was here to welcome Stella but I truly feel that Kaiya will be Stella's guardian angel. I love you baby girl.

"She's Having a Baby"

I just saw "She's Having a Baby," which is one of my all time favorite movies. I haven't seen it since becoming pregnant. My favorite part is the montage of the pregnancy that shows her body changing and all of these cute little pregnancy scenarios like having morning sickness and doing lamaze class. I always loved watching that part and thinking about how it would be when I became pregnant. Now it's here!! It has been such an amazing experience and definitely one of the most precious of my life. I look at my body and it feels so beautiful because of who is inside of me. To see my body blossom as nature intended makes me feel like I'm fulfilling this greater purpose. Sure it's not easy and there are times when I can't wait for it to be over. Just today I was complaining about how uncomfortable I am. But at the same time, I have never felt more in love with my body. For me, as a woman, I truly feel like this is my purpose in life - to be a mother. That doesn't mean that I still don't have aspirations and goals. I'm still very much looking forward to starting my career as an attorney and becoming successful. But more than anything, I want to be able to support my family. I want my children to have all of the opportunities that I had and then some. I want Stella to eclipse and out shine Chris and I in every way. To want someone else to be more, achieve more, love more, live more than yourself is something that is really only shared between parent and child. The love I feel for this child is already something greater than I ever anticipated!!! I can't even begin to imagine how I will feel when we first meet her....

And to my darling Chris ~ I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I know that you will be the most amazing father because you are the most amazing husband, friend, brother and son. I can not wait to see you with your daughter and I am so glad that we get to experience this amazing journey together. I love you so much.

32 Weeks ~ 8 months!!!

I can not believe I'm 8 months pregnant! In some ways, this pregnancy has flown by and in other ways it seems like I've been pregnant forever. On Tuesday, we had an ultrasound to check Stella's size and the amniotic fluid level. Everything checked out great. She weighs approximately 4 lbs. 12 oz, which is above average for a 32 weeker. Actually, now I think my due date is off by a week or two. Either that or we may have a little sumo wrestler on our hands :) The doctor said that everything looked wonderful and she is right on track. We couldn't ask for better news!! We got to see her mouth opening and closing which was cool. She had her hand on her face. Aapparently she was sleeping pretty deeply because she didn't want to move despite the prodding of the ultrasound tech. Now there is much less space in my uterus so we weren't able to get any good pictures of her face. But we got to see her heart beating and her internal organs which we were assured look good. I will probably have one more ultrasound done before the big day arrives, but at this point I know she is healthy and that is all that matters.

We've been working on the nursery more and everything is coming together nicely. At this point, I'm trying to wind down a bit and tie up any loose ends. I washed some of her clothes tonight and have been getting  everything together for the hospital. It is so much fun looking at her little clothes and imagining her in them. My little peach. Sometimes Chris and I go into her nursery and are so overwhelmed with happiness and excitement. At the same time, we still can't believe that in less than two months we'll be parents! It's hard to believe that soon we'll be bringing this little miracle into the world and she will be the ultimate expression of our love. Our lives will never be the same!

I've also been having the most vivid dreams lately. One dream I had was that I went into premature labor and was so upset because my hospital bag wasn't packed! Random but I guess it's just my subconscious anxiety. For all of the excitement I feel, I'm also pretty nervous and anxious. I feel like I won't get everything done in time. But in the end, she is going to come whether or not everything on my to do list is checked off and I have to accept that. I guess now would be a good time to practice letting things go.

Next week is my baby shower! Can't wait!!

31 Weeks

I have been sooooooo tired lately it is unbelievable! They say energy starts to wane in the last trimester but I didn't realize it would be practically nonexistent! Plus now I just feel HUGE. I have to practically hold my belly up just to walk....or waddle I should say. It's like having a bowling ball strapped to my abdomen. Apparently bones in the pubic region start to get softer to get ready for baby's arrival. It's painful and uncomfortable because my hips feel like they're going to pop out of their sockets! Not to mention the fact that I live in the bathroom because my bladder is now the size of a postage stamp.

But we're getting closer to meeting our little princess so it's all worth it. I'm also in serious nesting mode. I feel this overwhelming compulsion to get everything ready for her arrival. I'm constantly thinking of everything we have to do, making lists, looking in her nursery, messing with her clothes. The nursery is coming together nicely. We still have a few things to do but my vision is coming to life and I couldn't be happier. I have never felt the need to have something so perfect!

The other big thing that happened this week was we went to visit two of our friends who have babies. Chris's friend has a 10 month old and it was fun to see what they're like at that age. Then we went to see Missy who had her little peanut before Christmas. When we got there she was nursing him. Then she gave him to me to burp and I felt so nervous and awkward holding him, which I expected. But I also got super emotional and started to cry a bit. Holding a baby that tiny was so precious and made me so excited to hold my own little Stella. It made it feel so real because I can now really picture myself holding her. Chris was so cute because he was too scared to hold the baby. He touched him a bit. I couldn't stop talking about how nice it was to hold him. Plus, it’s crazy to see how much life changes after baby. People say it all of the time but it’s nothing like witnessing it. But we’re ready. More than ready I think.

Missy was also so great about talking to me honestly about the birthing experience. As we get closer I’m getting a bit anxious about giving birth. I do have my entire birth plan mapped out which has somewhat reduced my anxiety. It's still very scary though since it's my first time and I don't really know what to expect. Like what do contractions feel like and how will I know it's really time? But I definitely have very strong opinions on how I want things to go. However, I also understand that things don’t always go as planned and so I need to be flexible. So I realize that all I can do to control the uncontrollable is be as knowledgeable as possible and make sure that I communicate my desires.

Her crib!!!!! We're going with a vintage theme. So cute!!

This is the fabric I chose for the nursery. So whimsical! The funny thing is that my mom has a pillow with the same fabric that she's had for like 15 years. I didn't even remember and this just happened to be the one I fell in love with. It made my choice that much more special.